Inspiration.

When I was younger? As above. I was fresh faced and innocent. I had a guitar and a pocketful of dreams. I started writing songs, poetry and dreamed of Bohemia. Surrounding me were a bunch of similar fresh faced innocents who drove each other. We all contributed. The ARTS. Music, pottery, photography, poetry. Didn’t matter if it was good or ridiculous. Mistakes weren’t laughed at. It was called ‘experimentation’. We had individual ambition and wore it openly. I loved my life back then.

So talking of then. Then had a turning point. So…..Then? Supporting other people. Their needs and my following them in their own lives trying to hopefully help liaise, work alongside and change those lives for the dreams they envisaged and therefore for the better. Five years training as an interpreter for the Deaf. Resulting in? Either as a supporter for the Deaf community or Deaf students working in Further or Higher Education. Helping their communication needs as an interpreter. Or teaching other hearing adults at College level to realise qualifications in British Sign Language to support Deaf students themselves. Or as a Staff Nurse. Qualified after 3 years nursing qualification and all it entails to get people/patients through illness and trauma.

Now? No longer fresh faced an innocent, but a yearning to drop supporting others. Why? Because it is draining. Unfortunately, I have no more to give. I am a shell. But. Deep inside I am still, so very, very much that innocent. I still play guitar and write songs. I have my camera and want to capture the unimaginable on film. I have a pen ready and waiting to catch flimsy, whimsical stories and poetry. And I have a kiln to pottery clay bake my mythical creations.

Done with the agenda of others sucking the life out of my bones. Done with people who care not a jot that I have an artist’s dream. Done with others who don’t give a damn who I actually am inherently. Done with others’ self centred thinking. I want my own artist self centred thinking back. Thank you very much. LOOK. You’ve had 30 plus years of my life of giving to others. It’s impossible to share the giving with the taking. The enormity of caring for others is profound and relentless. And actually? It damn near kills you in spirit, body and mind. Now I want to give myself to myself again. So. My life will change again back to the arts. Selfish? No. I’ve now paid my dues to others. I am going to begin to write, reflect and capture back my failures as an artist. Don’t mind if I fail again. But at least I’ll die happier.

To die happy! Is that too much to ask?

5 comments

  1. Fair enough. We only live once, or so they say. I tend to think so, although for years I believed in reincarnation as a possibility. At any rate, we have to make major choices in our lives because we are the captain of our own ship, our body/mind. Only we know what is best for us as far as life choices. But, always, there is a vast amount of randomness which we cannot or do not control. The common example: we come to a fork in the road, a road we have never been on before. Sometimes we veer to the right because it just seems the thing to do, but sometimes we just go to the right, or left, and there is no overt selection process we are aware off. But, perhaps, there is something going on covertly inside the eyes/ears/nervous system that makes the choice automatically. We don’t know.

    Many times it does not matter a fig which way we go that particular day. However, it could be of enormous consequences. We may be involved in a head-on collision and die. Gone in a flash. Or, we may pick up a hitch hiker who later becomes a best friend in life. I figure we make thousands of these sorts of choices, some may be forced, some we don’t think about, some we have a feeling about. But, then come the BIG decisions in life. Do we prepare seriously for athletics, do we prepare for academia and choose which schools to attend, do we decide to take up music, art, literature, the martial arts, etc. Whom do we choose as our friends, whom do we choose as a mate, what field do we decide to go into, what city or country do we wish to move to, do we go on for further degrees, do we decide with our mate to have children and if so, how many, do we join various clubs, do we join a religion because our parents belonged or our mate belongs or we just want to belong on our own, do we decide we don’t need religion or at least not organized religion, do we decide to get a better job in the city but also buy a house in the country, or do we decide to give half our money and time to charity? On and on it goes.

    It never ends until one day, it does end. We look back as we lie dying, wondering how the time went so quickly, and why we did what we did, and how we would do things differently. But, it is too late. It is time to shut out the lights, this time forever. At that point, it will not matter any longer to us because we will be in the same situation we were in for an eternity before we were conceived by our parents. We live on through our works and our offspring, should we have any. And also in the thoughts of those whose lives we touched.

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    • Insightful Michael. Frustration regarding a point in given time. Simply that in my blog. Life is precious and when you are at a moment of reflection and the penny drops? It became 2 choices in my life at that moment. Once an artist and dreamer. Then serving others. I had a very good friend who I have not seen for years now. He was a musician, artist, photographer, dreamer. He then went into social services as a key worker for people with learning disabilities ( the phrase in those days). After many years in this role he gave up at the drop of a hat and decided to train as a carpenter. “I wish to get back to myself again. I feel I’ve done enough for others now.” Do you challenge your direction because you are so simply worn out? I am worn out. And so that is why I spoke as I did here. I don’t want to feel my body respond in the way it does to extreme pressures. It is a disservice to my family. They are worried about my well being. They simply care and that is honourable. Reincarnation? My Buddhist belief has not really sought those considerations. Good fortune Michael. Nice to hear from you again.

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  2. I’m a simpler soul Gray. My music making was restricted to skiffle. I’ve never been good with art and crafts. I’ve never had a job which could be classed as ‘helping others’; it was always a ‘hobby’, from helping in a disabled club to 11.1/2 years in Romania as a volunteer. You know some of the good things which came from that. The ‘hobbies’ continued when I came back to the uk till stopped by health.
    But now, without me asking, people are helping me. That’s great and I’m grateful.

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    • Your poetry and stories help a lot of people I should imagine. They help me. Same with your writing club and the fellow enthusiasts around you. ‘Helping others’ can come in many ways. When you support others through traumatic times? The philosophy is to assist so that they can carry on with self awareness and direction. It’s the first part of the initial acute dilemmas, chronic ongoing situations and how it can drain them if it overwhelms. Irony? The input of knowledge, advice, research and empathy is very intense. It has overwhelmed me for a long, long time now. I suppose that’s why this current thought process. Alongside the anxieties. If you see how doctors, nurses and other professionals are coping when providing their feedbacks recently on YouTube, etc. You can see it in their eyes and hear in their voices. Your simple soul is a beautiful thing. It calms others. Gives an aim for others to pursue. All the best.

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  3. All I can add to this is that you should do it and dont think about it too much. Fear of change is the biggest barrier that anybody faces, the unknown uncertainty of following a different path. So walk that path, or jog or run, but dont tiptoe 🙂 Good luck and enjoy!

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