From Simplicity to Disregard. Or? Chaos versus Order.

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Simplicity? Way back when, to when I was a teenager. A process of exciting, and yet, unlooked for life change. Thirst of new endeavour (note not plural. I wanted something singular that truly belonged to me long term. For me! Just for? Me! This will be Me!) and then…..failure in realisation and toss it to the side……but carry on seeking…..the next step of life’s offering. So many choices out there. On, and on, and on, and……oh for who knows, not my sake? And…..To now? Present day now…..Disregard. Disregard it all. And sudden realisation…….when I’m nearly at retirement age. I want to disregard it all…..and wind down. Really?

I had purpose all along the way. Life’s way. Believing in the early days. The middle year’s. Even…..The later year’s. Thirst for all things. Looking and searching and learning. A belief in every given moment. Joy in what each ‘chasing the unknown’ offered. I continued the ‘don’t know, don’t understand, but want to experience and learn’ came up with. This will be my purpose in life. But…..when each chosen element of submerging into a subject of interest began to change….then really began to ‘rankle the senses’ change…..and then eventually….’REALLY? Is this in reality what I’ve been wasting my recent time with? Give me a break! Enough of this and just give it up’. I changed….I backed off. Not because it was difficult or not achievable. But that it simply lost it’s self import and I just wanted it out of my life and…..far, far away. I can’t give any of  it the one word, the exact moment, the lightbulb moment when the link to all that altered simplicity changed to the decision of ‘I have to Disregard it’s actual purpose’ happened. The subject choices? They always ‘just did’. They didn’t let me down. But in all honesty…..I let them down. My failure….not theirs.

And now? I’m in complete disregard sensibility. Why? Because realisation exists that whatever I seek, satisfaction will never exist. I truly do, with hindsight, realise that ‘Simplicity’ is the key word. But in a keen mind? Simplicity does not exist. Thirst for the unlocked fors is ever present.

Will simplicity of my yearned fors in early life return? I don’t think so. Simplicity? Naive. The task driven and eventual hoped for total understanding of my chosen subject choices can and never will be truly self understood, will never be achieved. The choices I made regarding my chosen subjects that I wished would result in some harmony? Yearned for…Peace in understanding, This is the one. Finally my life’s ambition realised. And yet…again. There you go! Let Down……and yet….this was supposed to be the subject of choice that would be my ultimate dream. I now live life in Disregard. Nothing matters. Not healthy. Not helpful. Not hopeful.

And then what happens next? I recently buy a beautiful £1.00 charity shop map book of Europe (all of Europe) when I’m visiting Halifax and get to thinking ‘Maybe I could plan a route from England to Utopia and experience every given moment along the way in my beautiful VeeDub. I then realise that I have the heart of a Romantic, but the mind of a Virgo. Maybe that’s been my problem. Chaos versus perfect planning. That is…..the dreams of jump into the fire of the unknown versus order of feet on the ground safety and planning……..Chaos and Order. My life’s failing. Maybe….Ne’er the Twain should meet.

 

2 comments

  1. Spot on. The ambience inside a dub is priceless. Or, even put her into gear and travel a little farther……I can drive down the road and either park up on the beach, drive up to the back of my ‘local hills’ dams and lakes or pull up alongside the many forest trees. But, seriously, your blog tales are, concerning Europe, a bit inspirational. But, ultimately, the Utopia dub is very, very therapeutic. Cheers.

    Like

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